don't belong

*sigh* I hope fighting nap time is a phase and a short one. Eli used to be so good at going down for his nap at noon. I've considered bumping it to 1 or 2 and putting him to bed at 9-9:30 instead of 8. I'm a SAHM, I don't need to be up at the butt crack of dawn, but I would like him definitely in bed by 9:30. His current bed time is 8 and the last week-week and a half he hasn't really been fighting bed time but he'll play in his crib for an hour or more before falling asleep and/or wake up at frigging 6-7am which is just too early for me. Anyway... I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm not a super mom, my house isn't immaculate, my children (as in Anna will eventually) watch TV, they get foods that have sugar in them, they don't go outside nearly as much as I'd like (thank a steep lawn, lots of concrete and a 2 story apartment for that, oh, and the hellish humidity), I don't play with Eli every waking second, Anna spends an awful lot of time in her swing, Eli wont hug or kiss me (he kisses Anna all the time though). I don't feel very momish, I don't feel like I belong around other moms, online or off. I'm not a great wife, I'm barely a decent one. I make dinner, I straighten up the house, I take care of the bills, I give good head. There's so much more to being a good partner than that and I don't feel like I live up to, or deserve the title of, wife. I love Ben, I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person outside of my immediate family, but I don't feel like I belong here, with him. He needs someone else. I'm not a good friend. I feel like every time I talk to people I come off like a know-it-all, bitch or a social retard. I get jealous of their accomplishments/lives/material goods, I'm supportive to them, but inside I'm jealous. I judge, I compare them to me. I hate it but it's natural and I don't know why. I don't feel like I belong in the world, I don't feel like I should have contact with people. I'm fat. I'm horribly obese, I'm disgusting, I'm sure my body is slowly and painfully dying, even if every test (blood, cholesterol, etc) comes back good at the moment. My weight never really seemed to cause problems with my health, other than being out of breath when I overextended myself and having lower back pain, but now, my knees ache and hurt just going up and down stairs too. I want to lose weight, I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm not trying hard enough, good enough. I don't feel like I belong in the weightloss communities I'm a part of. I have no talent, no abilities, no skills, I'm basically worthless. Material things are kept because of their usefulness or their beauty- we need ovens, we collect pretty objects. If I weren't a person, if I were an object, I wouldn't belong anywhere and I'd be disposed of. There are cliques everywhere, for everything and I don't belong to any of them. I don't know if I want to, really. I feel terribly alone, when I know I'm not, and if I am it's all my own doing. Push away. Alienate myself. That's what I do.