I want to kill Ben. I want to have this baby out of me and abandon it and Eli. I just do not want to deal with all this shit right now, I'm an emotional mess. Like I don't have enough to to worry about right now the day before I have to be ripped open and have another child... Ben left his car running all fucking night. What kind of idiot forgets his car is running? He turned it off this morning and it started up again and it wasn't out of gas, so no worries. An hour later he gets ready to leave and it will still start and its not acting like the batteries dead and it still reads theres gas but it wont work... I don't know something like that, he woke me up to tell me, its hazy to me. He took my car, the car I need to take Eli to the in-laws so I could have a stress free night of cleaning and sleeping... oh now thats all fucking shot to hell because I have to wait for Ben to get home form work now and god fucking knows when that will be. My wrist/hand hurts I shouldn't even be typing. I went to bed late and woke up early and I'm dead tired but Eli will be up any time now. I wish I could just lock him in a safe room with some toys and food and let him watch himself all day. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. Last night I tried to take the nail polish off my toes and could only do one foot before I was pooped form reaching down there and I had red polish on, it wont all come off, around the sides, so one foot looks like my toes have been smashed and bloodied, its stupid but it has me thoroughly upset as well. I don't want to deal with anything anymore, I'm done with it all. I keep thinking I hope I die from some complications or another that can arise from surgery, just get it done and over with.